Self-evaluation

Since reviewing my self-evaluation with my immediate manager the other day, I’ve gone through a lot of thoughts and feelings over it that I would not have expected.

It went really well! That’s the first surprise. This is my first job in the tech field, and so I haven’t been programming for a living very long. I’ve had my current job for perhaps a year and a half, so this was my first full evaluation.

This began as a 360 review that I filled out for myself, and I put down “meets expectations” in every aspect of my a career as a middle- of-the-road response. I genuinely did not think I could justify anything more, and I felt sure I was doing well, so I didn’t feel like I needed particular improvement in any area, either.

My manager put that I “exceeded expectations” in most of the fields and talked with me about it. I fought hard to hold back the urge to disagree with him, but internally, I did keep thinking that somehow he was a bit biased or skewed in favoring me. I wasn’t sure where he got that impression, but I was sure that my evaluation was going to lead to disappointment (either during or after).

The second surprise, however, was how much he won me over to his point of view instead of the other way around. I had had the idea that I was one of the least productive people on the team, but not only did he point out how productive I was, he had pulled the figures to support his view directly from our issue-tracking system. He compared me not only to the rest of his team but to all the engineers in my department, showing me the average time I spent on a task (about half the overall average) and the sheer number of tasks I had turned over in the last year.

I definitely told him how useful it was to see that; otherwise, I just plainly would not have believed him.

Thirdly, the language he used to describe my role in the team surprised me. This is the first time I heard myself described plainly as a “lead” for the rest of the team. I knew that I had had taken some leadership-like roles on (especially training), but it’s only starting to sink in for the first time to what extent that’s happened and how my manager has nurtured that. He’s sought out my opinion on almost every single member of my immediate team to the point where I’ve practically been able to handpick all of them (at the very least, I’ve had veto power, but that isn’t too unusual in tech environments). I’ve been doing a lot of training, pairing, and guiding on tasks our team handles, to the point where sometimes I feel stretched thin.

Of course, I knew about all these things, but I hadn’t internalized myself as anything resembling a leader, and that led to his only negative (but oh, so constructive) feedback for me. I’ve always been a really candid person about my feelings, and he pointed out the extent to which those feelings are influential to the rest of the team when I vent about something negatively.

I suppose I just assume people will disagree with me or that I’ll hold a minority opinion (and often, I do), but the idea that as a leader (whether de facto or de jure) I hold some influence over the opinions of others on my team is a novel one to me.

I’ve always had trouble being professional in past jobs I’ve had, and it’s becoming clearer to me why that’s held me back, and I’ve begun to examine what I say and how I say it in that light.

It’s been a huge shift in how I think about myself, and this review process has generally given me a huge step in internalizing a different idea of myself and my career. I also have to give huge props to my boss, who is maybe right about more things than I gave him credit for in the past.

Writing within Constraints

I was joking around on IRC and Twitter today with @ashedryden and started alliterating randomly for fun, apropos this Tumblr:

New neuroses, now neatly nested.

Then she challenged me again:

<ashedryden> now if you can rephrase it so each word is one letter longer than the word before it

<ashedryden> you would win an internet.

<ashedryden> I would hand deliver it with cake.

I actually tried to do this for a moment and gave up (it stopped being fun). But it reminded me how much I enjoy embracing constraints when being creative. For example, last fall, a coworker randomly asked me to write a sonnet without using the letter “e”.

Rather than stifling my creativity, constraint seems to slow me down, make the process more meditative and deliberate, and ultimately explore more options.

It doesn’t seem as much like self-censorship. When there are fewer choices, it feels easier to choose among the remaining ones, and moreover, easier to see down the paths those choices lead to.