It’s sort of incredible after all this time that I get so uncomfortable with not knowing all the answers. Setting aside my personal and spiritual development (“What is the stars, what is the stars?”1), I also stumble over this issue professionally.
I finished my fifteenth week at the Simple last Friday, and during my short tenure, we experienced one of the most trying times in our short history. It has been a difficult time to ramp up, and I’m still pretty new to having a programming job at all. The first of August marks three years since I started at the first one. I learned a lot at my last place, but I’m probably still a little too green to hit the ground running the way I’d like.
Now in my second programming job, I’ve identified a pattern that may have more to do with me than with the jobs I find myself in. I get frustrated very quickly when I’m unsure what to do. I haven’t always dealt with it very well. I expect to sail forward without bumps. Instead, I quickly blame setbacks on lack of process, documentation, opaque code, bad tests, unfamiliar culture, and a number of other externalities. The truth has a lot to do with just being new. I can’t speed past it, avoid it, or outsmart it. There’s no other way to become a veteran than by the pain of experience.
It’s like I’m so used to being able to hand in my test first in science class, and now in calculus I’m squirming while watching the others looking breezy. I figure it’s the teacher’s fault, curse the awful textbook, and complain how uncomfortable my chair is.
If I get to a point where I can internalize the discomfort, I start beating myself up with it instead. I finally reached that point a couple of weeks ago. I began questioning myself. I don’t have any good coping tactics for this stress. I’ve found I end up swinging to the other extreme; it’s not everything around me being awful and wrong, it’s just me. I feel like a new firefighter losing control of the hose, watching the fire burn out of control and screaming apologies.
It’s neither of those extremes. It’s just being new, and it’s uncomfortable. I’m in the same boat everyone’s spent time in. Whatever I do, as long as I hold faith with the process, it’ll pass.