For the second time in my professional life (first time here), I had to turn in a self-review to my manager. Our self-reviews are part of an overall review process, asking for scores and supporting comments in a number of areas of our job (quality, leadership, problem solving, planning, and so on).
I’m awful at anything falling under the purview of “professional life.” I struggled with it again, like last year, and it stayed undone till the last moment (and then some—I had hoped to finish it last week). What’s worse, I felt like last year I used up all my best review lines talking myself up, so I had nothing but utter dreck to spew this year. I couldn’t even remember anything that had happened in the past year. All that came to mind were the frustrations I grappled with and complaints I brought up.
Time got short and I had almost nothing, so I passed in the review with little content and a lot of fields left blank. My manager bounced it back almost right away, basically saying I could do better. Well!
I had struggled with it off and on for weeks, and I had no idea what he wanted or what the expectations were. Finally began to vent to a coworker. She mentioned she had struggled with hers too. I asked her what she did.
She’d done the same thing, asking others what they had done, and had even gotten to peek at a few other reviews from (male) coworkers. I have always had trouble talking myself up, but it seems like they hadn’t struggled with this at all. They came across in their reviews as highly accomplished and even boastful, to the point where she felt less sure of herself, to say nothing of my reaction. I had barely written anything, and what little I did write was either unsubstantial or actually critical. The self-review also called for numerical scores in various areas, and mine were really conservative.
I asked her, “Do they actually lie?” about their reviews, and she said, “No, but they dress them up in tuxedos.”
I’m really thankful to my coworker, though. She helped a lot to get me started finding some real content and suggestions.
First, she suggested searching for past code reviews I’d requested. While it hadn’t been very useful for me to be told to “search my e-mail” for the last year, the code review e-mails helped to link to related issues I had worked on, short summaries of what I had accomplished, and a general landscape of the projects I’d worked on. This was a pretty great direction to start with. It helped me remember various projects I’d been on.
I got some ideas for other kinds of e-mails to search for, like postmortem threads where we had dealt with urgent service problems.
She offered to let me see hers, but I passed. In the end, though, I let her look over mine, and she helped clarify what some of the categories (like “job knowledge”) actually meant, so I was able to fill in parts I had misinterpreted. She also pretty much made me raise every one of my scores after some back and forth, reminding me of a lot of things I had forgotten. I ended up going with her suggestions since she had more context than I did from looking at other reviews.
By the end, I was much more amenable to her suggestions because I had so much more supporting detail. It definitely didn’t hurt, either, that I was inspired by an article in Model View Culture (written by my friend Kronda!) to be a little kinder to myself.
Incidentally, another friend on IRC had suggested keeping a high-level journal throughout the year, and that would probably be really useful for me, considering this. I probably won’t, though, and next year I’ll panic about the whole thing all over again.